Unwelcomed Invader poem with my meaning behind it

There is a creeper roaming around me,

I can feel the density of it,

The pressure on my chest.

It seems it has decided to cause more damage,

It’s digging itself into my chest,

It’s knife twisting and turning to make room.

The invasion has left me vulnerable,

My insides are at its disposal.

It strips my breaths so it itself can breathe,

It has placed a welcome mat,

It stays until boredom hits.

The pressure subsides,

I can breathe again,

Though I know it will come back to its home.

In the poem Unwelcome Invader, I used shifts to create perspective from two different

viewpoints. The first one is on first person, “there is a creeper roaming around me”. In this line the

narrator which is I, am explaining how I feel something that causes fear. I’m fully aware of its presence

and what it is capable of doing. The next shift is “it seems it has decided to cause more damage”. Here I

switch from first person to third person view point, to show the intruders behavior. The “it” which has

no name, switched from just a presence around to aggressive. The aggressive behavior has resulted in it

to cause massive pain in search for something that it needs or wants. The third shift, “my insides are at

its disposal”, here I switch back to first person to show the readers how I am feeling to this invasion. To

let readers, know that there was no fight, that I could do nothing to prevent it from doing what it wants.

The fourth shift, “It strips my breaths so it itself can breathe”, I switch back to third person to show readers again what “It” is doing. “It”, has found what it was searching for, and because of that it has

made itself a home. Where it can choose to leave and come back whenever it pleases. The final shift is,

“the pressure subsides”, where I end in first person. The last shift is meant to tell the readers, how much

control “It” has, and how it’s not in constant aggression. It allows the host to have relief, so it can keep

sustaining the life for “It”. The host which is I, is aware of this temporary relief, “though I know it will

come back to its home” and that “It” is here to stay.

The sound I used in this poem was meant to make the reader feel the pain, the anger and fear.

So that readers can have a better understanding, by they themselves also being able to relate in a sense.

By using the word “creeper”, it allows readers to be aware that it is something to be feared and be

aware of. I also used “digging” and “twisting”, to show the aggressive behavior of “It”. And the word

“stripping” so the readers are aware that something harsh is happening. The sounds of those words

were meant to create the emotions I mentioned.

I used shifts and sound, to show readers the physical and emotional relationship. Though most

will probably assume the poem is about one form of invasion, though it can relate to other forms of

invasion; like in this poem which is about an anxiety attack. The meaning of this poem is to show readers

how anxiety attacks just start. How the person has no control of when or where, they have no physical

control from preventing. People who live with anxiety attacks are aware they will keep occurring but

have to manage to live with them anyways.

A sonnet to coffee

Why silence is more painful

Am I the only one to hate flashbacks, to be reminded of a pain, one hasn’t healed from. How a someone can bring you so much joy, and then take it away so easily like a thief. Leave you wondering all the why’s or the what if’s. How that someone said trust me, so you did. How that someone said you could tell them anything, only to be used against you after. How you once thought of allowing someone into your mind, only to find out that, that person couldn’t take everything that ran through your mind. How that one person shut you off without an explanation, making you wonder what you did wrong. Why suddenly you feel so used, your heart dropped to the floor, your mind swirling of where did it go wrong. And the world wonders why we find it difficult to trust anyone, to allow someone have full trust of our mind and body. This is why, because people leave without an explanation, shutting you out. Leaving you to figure it out with your own unraveling, and picking yourself up on your own. Do you know how many nights one stays awake, how many tosses one does, how many times you feel a punch in your stomach, throat startled from a  cry that wanted to escape. Then the next emotion is anger, and guilt for feeling anger, as if one isn’t entitled to feel angry. Then you learn let it go, only to have flashbacks of the once happy memory that now has turned into a painful memory. What happened to honesty, what happened to being upfront. All one asks is that the moment you are done, please say so, rather then get slapped in the face with silence, and being blocked from all there social media accounts. Yea , we get the memo, but one prefers to be told these things upfront. No, you don’t owe anyone  an explenation, but it would be easier to move on with one. Or does one let go of there pride, and look crazy and be the first to start asking the questions. Worst part is, just as quick as it started, one would take you back in, no questions asked. How more wreckless can one be..

-Note To Self 

Current state of mind

What is the state of shock? confusion?

Do you just not move or speak?

Do you question everything in your head?

Do you fall asleep, hoping the day before was unreal?

Do you  just go through the motions?

When does the mind snap back?

-Note To Self

My anxiety through the roof

How do I explain that feeling, when thoughts of losing someone are there. that initial thought of anger, yet sadness. How everyone around me had chances to just break down and cry, get comfort. Yet I stand there stiff as a rock, just watching there reactions, whishing I could do the same. How come I don’t get to just have a moment to break down, how come I don’t get that selfish moment. I suppose because I know better, I know that there needs to be someone stable, reasonable. Or maybe I just can’t, maybe I don’t how to just let go. This week has been the hardest, most exhausting one, spent everyday back and forth. From my parents home down south to the hospital and back to check on my children. To be honest I just want to go back home, I want my husband to hold me tight and tell me that it’s ok, I want to be able to cry like a baby in his arms, and get comforted by him. I don’t recall feeling this kind of feeling, for those that have lost a parent I can’t imagine how they must have felt. Just the thoughts and all the waiting sent my anxiety through the roof, and yet I had not a moment to pause and allow myself to wallow. I’m tired, but I will be honest , now I feel relief. My mother will be home, and I can go back home, I can go back to stressing over my school process, and of what mess my kids are making in there rooms.

 -Note To Self

Keep up

The time is here where I stand with two roads ahead of me, both are appealing to the eye, both are unknown. As I stand here, I feel a soft touch, on my finger tips, slowly filling and then overpowering my hand. As I stand here, one hand is being held with a firm grip of reassurance. Which ever road I decided to take. I know that you will still hold on and join me for the walk. Either choice made, will not only affect me but you as well, yet your initial touch brought an unbelievable excitement through my body, letting me know that either one will be an adventure. How do you do it? How do you manage to keep up? I guess I truly don’t care, I just care that you can and want. Your presence alone gives me the courage to just leap forward, which ever way my body goes.  I don’t have to think, I don’t have to second guess, and that’s what I love. I love knowing I don’t need to, I can just go. I like that about you, the same way I like my impulsive behavior. So let me be, I will move, try to keep up….

-Note To Self

Tears

Physical pain is one thing, it can get real bad, and take time to heal.

Mental pain however is another thing, that one takes a longer process to heal, leaving more then a scar. The body doesn’t shed tears to demonstrate how weak or vulnerable it is to pain, but rather a reaction to how much one can endure. Tears are a display of strength, and courage. To be honest this goes to those that hold the pain, hold the tears, hold the breakdowns, not the ones that constantly cry over everything they find hurtful. People that hold in the pain are the ones that avoid attention, pity, and don’t need constant reassurance that everything is going to be ok. To the ones that are so mentally strong that crying is only when their bodies can no longer take the beatings. To the ones that handle the situations first and leave the breakdowns for after everything is done and finished. Maybe that’s what leads to anxiety attacks, that the body finally had enough and it needs to release the overwhelming emotions sooner than one is ready for. Who knows, I don’t know, it’s just my guess. At least to me that’s how I feel about moments like those. The moments where tears need to be shed, and the body needs to curl in a ball on the floor and hold one-self for a moment. Don’t cry often, but when I do, I truly feel it was the right time to allow it, the right time so the body can revive itself and take on another load of challenges…

-Note To Self

Sometimes this is all you need

Sometimes a walk is needed, put on your shoes and just go. Take a deep breath and allow your eyes to view the world, let your mind wonder off in all the thoughts kept up there. Sometimes in those kinds of walks, you return with answered questions, a better sense of who you are, where your going, what you want. Sometimes that is all you need …

-Note To Self

Constant reminder inside my purse

Not long ago I had to see my doctor for a refill to my prescription, something I was very uncomfortable doing. Every time I see my doctor, he asks towards the end, if I would want to go on anti-depressants. Instantly I get angry at him, and respond no, I laugh it off, but I am so angry he asked. Does he think I need them, do I look depressed, the amount of questions and ideas that go through my mind would make you laugh. I still find it ridiculous that out of all the illnesses and etc. I get anxiety attacks. Like seriously? I am not a depressed person, I don’t walk around trembling and avoiding outside contact. I still try to have a handle on my anxiety without the use of meds. But every time I open my purse, there they are. Staring back at me, reminding me, that at some point in time I will have to use them, and it terrifies me. Medication terrifies me, the side effects terrify me. And instantly I feel angry at myself, and sadness washes through me for a moment. For the most part I’m ok, stubborn in my ideas. But for brief moments I’m reminded that a part of me for moments unexpected I’m not in control of myself. That perhaps I’m not as strong minded as I believe I am, or why else would I need meds for anxiety. It angers me that no matter what I do to stay busy, optimistic, happy, it doesn’t stop. It’s like my body decides to react to situations for me, when I force myself to try to be calm about things. My exterior says, calm and collective, but my body says Nope, this is too much for you. And the adrenaline kicks in, and there I am out of nowhere, having an anxiety attack, trying to look like I am not. Trying to tell myself you don’t need them, you got this, just breath, relax. But the fact is that they are there, and if I can’t stop it, if I can’t control it , I will have to use them. I will have to face the fact, my reality, and I don’t like it. But it’s, use them or black out? Can I have the luxury of blacking out when it’s just me and my boys, no one around to know what I am going through, to snap me back. No, I will have to, don’t want to but I have to for them. How did I get here, how did my body begin this kind of reaction to life? When did I become embarrassed caring around medication in my purse everyday. And yes, that’s exactly how I feel about it, embarrassed, silly I know, yet I feel it.

-Note To Self

Getting lost in All the Titles

Somewhere along the line of being a mother I got a bit lost, technically, I still do sometimes. I forget that I am more then just a mom, just a wife, just the person that lives here, that cooks, cleans, etc.. Somewhere along the line, I forget that I am still me, the Girl that listens to hard-cord music to relax. The Girl that loves to; paint, read, craft, watch 19th centaury movies. The girl that likes the comfort of being alone with music blasting in her ears. Having to manage different tasks is difficult, how do you switch from you to mom;

: To wife, to the clean up crew, that nurse, the referee, the teacher, the chef, the friend, the sister, the daughter, the niece, the cousin, the granddaughter, the student, the  taxi driver, the cheerleader, the toy repair expert, potty trainer, play-date coordinator, manners tutor, seamstress, spiritual guidance, and so much more..

That’s a lot of titles, and that’s only a few.. So how do you Not, get lost in all of this?

Where are you suppose to have time for you to be You? Have time to eat the first-time warmed up plate, not the repeated warmed up plate. Have time to drink that coffee that’s nice and hot, and not the one you had to rewarm maybe twice if your lucky. And no , Not an Exaggeration. Have time to get your nails done, and I don’t mean that nail polish you bought 6 months ago and your applying it yourself  late at night, because you finally put the kids to sleep. Have time to get a decent hair cut, and not the one you you-tubed and attempted in front of your bathroom mirror. There is so much more, but frankly I only have time for a brief summary of it.

So how do you juggle All this, and deal with Anxiety attacks? It’s easy for people to tell you, you need to make time for yourself, you need to just pray about it, you need to just breath.. Clearly I know, but it’s easier to say then do. I can plan something, and then replan, and etc. Life happens, I figured it’s easier to Not plan. How about I deal my day one at a time. swing as the curveballs come, figure it out as I go. It is less stressful this way, this way I don’t deal with disappointment, if I didn’t get to do something. This way I don’t get lost.

Sorry I don’t have an answer, for my own question. All I can say, that maybe, their nap time can be your time. Don’t stress over the cleaning and planning. Maybe you have to be a little selfish. And No, this does not make you a bad mother and etc. This makes you human, this makes You, You. So You don’t get lost, so You can have once in a  blue-moon kind of day, to be You. All situations are different, it’s probably why I don’t have an answer for my own question, because no day is the same. But just remember , under all those titles, you are still You, the mother that is loved, the one your partner fell in love with. It’s ok if you don’t get to be You all the time, just don’t forget You are still their, and it needs a little sunshine once in a while.

-Note To Self