Why silence is more painful

Am I the only one to hate flashbacks, to be reminded of a pain, one hasn’t healed from. How a someone can bring you so much joy, and then take it away so easily like a thief. Leave you wondering all the why’s or the what if’s. How that someone said trust me, so you did. How that someone said you could tell them anything, only to be used against you after. How you once thought of allowing someone into your mind, only to find out that, that person couldn’t take everything that ran through your mind. How that one person shut you off without an explanation, making you wonder what you did wrong. Why suddenly you feel so used, your heart dropped to the floor, your mind swirling of where did it go wrong. And the world wonders why we find it difficult to trust anyone, to allow someone have full trust of our mind and body. This is why, because people leave without an explanation, shutting you out. Leaving you to figure it out with your own unraveling, and picking yourself up on your own. Do you know how many nights one stays awake, how many tosses one does, how many times you feel a punch in your stomach, throat startled from a  cry that wanted to escape. Then the next emotion is anger, and guilt for feeling anger, as if one isn’t entitled to feel angry. Then you learn let it go, only to have flashbacks of the once happy memory that now has turned into a painful memory. What happened to honesty, what happened to being upfront. All one asks is that the moment you are done, please say so, rather then get slapped in the face with silence, and being blocked from all there social media accounts. Yea , we get the memo, but one prefers to be told these things upfront. No, you don’t owe anyone  an explenation, but it would be easier to move on with one. Or does one let go of there pride, and look crazy and be the first to start asking the questions. Worst part is, just as quick as it started, one would take you back in, no questions asked. How more wreckless can one be..

-Note To Self 


Choose all of you

Don’t pick one part of you, pick all of you. Do you realize how uniquely beautiful each one of us is. It is difficult to not compare ourselves to celebrities or those fitness people on social media. How hard it is to avoid the constant commercials about improving our selves, from diets, teeth whitening, to gym memberships, to tummy tucks and the list goes on. Just when you begin to tell yourself you look good, here comes on a commercial, or a picture everyone liked on social media on some person that is perfectly fit. It gives you an urge to avoid that next meal, or even worse, stuff your face with unhealthy food. People say love yourself, if you don’t like how you look, then do something about it. Well easier said then done, routines are difficult to break or to even begin. So stop beating yourself up, because you constantly fail at keeping a workout routine, or the diet meal plan. We all want to look like the ideal perfect, to have everything we wear fit nicely, but you know what, reality, you are not alone. Clothes don’t fit us perfectly, either too long, too short, to loose, too tight, etc. We are built differently, some with broad shoulders, some bigger boobs, small butts, wider thighs, etc… So when you look in the mirror, and you are looking for something about yourself that you like most. Choose All Of You… Everything about you is beautiful, everything about you is gorgeous or handsome. Everything, from the inside out about you is amazing. If you feel for a moment sad about your appearance, remember, you and your mind and heart, are a gorgeous thing to behold. I’m telling you, You are gorgeous, you are handsome..

-Note To Self

One of my obsessions 

I love reading, and I just love libraries. But when I found this one, it was like walking into a candy store. If you ever have traveled and you’re Hearts Castle in California, then you know. This place, the detail, the money spent here, my goodness. Amazing. 

I tossed them

Yup, I did, after having a very terrifying experience with one of my boys. I asked my self is it worth it, are they worth keeping. Bottom line, I tossed them away. No more anxiety pills, just like that. If and when I get an anxiety attack, I will just have to manage on my own. But the panick and fear and everything in between I felt that day, I don’t regret it. I don’t rely on them to survive so clearly, I don’t need them that bad. So no more pills, not even the ones I carry for emergency in my bag. Every single bottle is gone, and right now I feel great about it. 

Add to my playlist

Any suggestions for some good calming music to go to sleep to? I tend to sleep with my headphones on, I know it’s bad, but then I can’t help it. before I use to sleep with the radio low next to my head then headphones with the wire plugged into and so on… I’ve done this since I was little. But I want to get some new music added, so I’m open to any suggestions? ??

Proceed with caution 

Careful with her mischievous mind, it’s quite a tangle, difficult to get out of. And even upon escape, be prepared for the rath that follows. There will be an empty space, you once upon a time occupied. No mind likes to be abandoned, before it is ready to let go. 

                                   -Note To Self 

Silent body

I sit here steady and quiet. My body refuses to even flinch, my breathing is steady. My heart rate constant, while my blinking stays on time. No twitch to the corner of my mouth, no scrunch to my eyes. My mind, somehow is the opposite. It is hyperventilating, it’s panicking, it’s shivering, it’s sweating, it’s screaming, it’s crying, it’s running. It won’t stop, and I can’t get it to transition to my body. So that I can finally act it out as it’s in my head. But it doesn’t, I still sit here calmly, well put together, while mind looses all sense.

                                             -Note To Self