Haven’t had the need to write in such a long time, mostly because I’ve managed to keep myself overflowed. I read over my old posts and didn’t realize how raw they all felt. I felt really exposed and it was quite an uncomfortable feeling. I’d like to say my anxiety got better, it’s been quite some time since I have used any medication for it. I’d like to tell you I have gotten ahold of it and manage it. But I would be lying, I haven’t. I’ve been getting them frequently lately. And to be honest, it scares me. My anxiety is insane, and I feel it keeps getting worse. It’s changed my habits and actions and try so hard to fight it. To force myself to be me. I can’t get a gallon of milk from the grocery without first touching the handle with the back of my hand because I fear the shock I get sometimes from it. I can’t help but make sure all burners are on complete off before going to bed every night. I can’t help but feel fear in how I refuse to touch my glasses every time I pump gas in my car, or I see someone pumping gas near me and they are on their phone. the sign says not to be on phone when pumping! I can’t help my self from trembling when ever I drive further than 20 miles. Or the panic I feel before submitting my work. I feel it’s constraining me and choking me until I learn to stay put inside the safety of my home in my bed. Just this morning I’ve had to deal with two and one last night. I keep trying though. I force interactions and play and all the normal things people do. But lately it feels it’s taking more of me, more energy to get those things done.
-Note To Self