Haven’t had the need to write in such a long time, mostly because I’ve managed to keep myself overflowed. I read over my old posts and didn’t realize how raw they all felt. I felt really exposed and it was quite an uncomfortable feeling. I’d like to say my anxiety got better, it’s been quite some time since I have used any medication for it. I’d like to tell you I have gotten ahold of it and manage it. But I would be lying, I haven’t. I’ve been getting them frequently lately. And to be honest, it scares me. My anxiety is insane, and I feel it keeps getting worse. It’s changed my habits and actions and try so hard to fight it. To force myself to be me. I can’t get a gallon of milk from the grocery without first touching the handle with the back of my hand because I fear the shock I get sometimes from it. I can’t help but make sure all burners are on complete off before going to bed every night. I can’t help but feel fear in how I refuse to touch my glasses every time I pump gas in my car, or I see someone pumping gas near me and they are on their phone. the sign says not to be on phone when pumping! I can’t help my self from trembling when ever I drive further than 20 miles. Or the panic I feel before submitting my work. I feel it’s constraining me and choking me until I learn to stay put inside the safety of my home in my bed. Just this morning I’ve had to deal with two and one last night. I keep trying though. I force interactions and play and all the normal things people do. But lately it feels it’s taking more of me, more energy to get those things done.

-Note To Self

 

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4 thoughts on “I’d Like to say It has gotten better…

  1. I know I don’t know you, but I’m so proud of you. You’re still pushing through and you ARE doing better, even if it doesn’t feel like it. You’re aware of the anxiety and still putting yourself in those hard situations. A wise person once told me that we can’t pretend as if we don’t have anxiety, because we do. As silly as that seems, try and remember it. Just because you’ve been doing better, it doesn’t mean anxiety vanishes forever. Anxiety will always be there just in different capacities. You’re doing so well and will continue to fight against it. Anxiety makes everything suck and 1000x harder. Reading this made me feel hope and comfort knowing you’re going through something similar and that you’re still strong and fighting.

    Liked by 1 person

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