Not long ago I had to see my doctor for a refill to my prescription, something I was very uncomfortable doing. Every time I see my doctor, he asks towards the end, if I would want to go on anti-depressants. Instantly I get angry at him, and respond no, I laugh it off, but I am so angry he asked. Does he think I need them, do I look depressed, the amount of questions and ideas that go through my mind would make you laugh. I still find it ridiculous that out of all the illnesses and etc. I get anxiety attacks. Like seriously? I am not a depressed person, I don’t walk around trembling and avoiding outside contact. I still try to have a handle on my anxiety without the use of meds. But every time I open my purse, there they are. Staring back at me, reminding me, that at some point in time I will have to use them, and it terrifies me. Medication terrifies me, the side effects terrify me. And instantly I feel angry at myself, and sadness washes through me for a moment. For the most part I’m ok, stubborn in my ideas. But for brief moments I’m reminded that a part of me for moments unexpected I’m not in control of myself. That perhaps I’m not as strong minded as I believe I am, or why else would I need meds for anxiety. It angers me that no matter what I do to stay busy, optimistic, happy, it doesn’t stop. It’s like my body decides to react to situations for me, when I force myself to try to be calm about things. My exterior says, calm and collective, but my body says Nope, this is too much for you. And the adrenaline kicks in, and there I am out of nowhere, having an anxiety attack, trying to look like I am not. Trying to tell myself you don’t need them, you got this, just breath, relax. But the fact is that they are there, and if I can’t stop it, if I can’t control it , I will have to use them. I will have to face the fact, my reality, and I don’t like it. But it’s, use them or black out? Can I have the luxury of blacking out when it’s just me and my boys, no one around to know what I am going through, to snap me back. No, I will have to, don’t want to but I have to for them. How did I get here, how did my body begin this kind of reaction to life? When did I become embarrassed caring around medication in my purse everyday. And yes, that’s exactly how I feel about it, embarrassed, silly I know, yet I feel it.
-Note To Self