It’s not the action that hurt

People make mistakes daily, wishing for  a rewind button. I know I have plenty of those. I was angry for such a long time, at first I admit I thought my anger was toward his actions. the secrecy the lying, the twisting of words and pointing fingers at my own wrong doings. It wasn’t that… I was angry at myself, for feeling the emotions I felt. I did feel betrayed. but it was more about the  feeling as if I wasn’t enough. the feeling that I was lacking in areas where I didn’t think I lacked in. No, I don’t blame myself for his actions. those were his and he will learn to live with his. This is about me, about emotions I have never felt in my life. anything I pressed my mind on, I excelled. But with this dark cloud over our heads, showed me I wasn’t excelling, I was actually drifting far away without realizing it. I understand the pain now, why in some relationships, couples come out leaving as if they were little, not enough, as if they did something wrong. I was angry at myself for being that person, when I know I am stronger than that. I allowed those emotions to flood through me and fill me with anger and hate. I allowed my self to self wallow. Angry at my self to have allowed a single person to have that kind of control over my emotions. to have allowed someone to have that kind of impact on my character, my actions, my words, my feelings. that’s what I was angry at, not him, not his actions. but at myself to have opened my self up to love where it leaves room for such pain. I know I am enough, I know my worth. I did allow myself to have done a self pity party and blamed him. but now I see it clearly. I really don’t care for the lies and hiding. I cared more on the impact his actions had on the inner me. And for that I was angry, am angry. is it possible to love and hate a person, for making you feel as you are the whole world and yet not enough. I don’t know. but for now, I’m good with having this realization.

-Note To Self