Unicorn painting

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My niece is obsessed with unicorns, and ask for a painting. So WA LA. Here it is… things I do.lol

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Tears

Physical pain is one thing, it can get real bad, and take time to heal.

Mental pain however is another thing, that one takes a longer process to heal, leaving more then a scar. The body doesn’t shed tears to demonstrate how weak or vulnerable it is to pain, but rather a reaction to how much one can endure. Tears are a display of strength, and courage. To be honest this goes to those that hold the pain, hold the tears, hold the breakdowns, not the ones that constantly cry over everything they find hurtful. People that hold in the pain are the ones that avoid attention, pity, and don’t need constant reassurance that everything is going to be ok. To the ones that are so mentally strong that crying is¬†only when their bodies can no longer take the beatings. To the ones that handle the situations first and leave the breakdowns for after everything is done and finished. Maybe that’s what leads to anxiety attacks, that the body finally had enough and it needs to release the overwhelming emotions sooner than one is ready for. Who knows, I don’t know, it’s just my guess. At least to me that’s how I feel about moments like those. The moments where tears need to be shed, and the body needs to curl in a ball on the floor and hold one-self for a moment. Don’t cry often, but when I do, I truly feel it was the right time to allow it, the right time so the body can revive itself and take on another load of challenges…

-Note To Self

Beauty to every word written

There is a kind of beauty to every word written. The way it is presented, the way it is described, the way it’s expressed. The beauty of how words can become so detailed to an emotion so deep. The beauty of how gentle or harsh they can be understood. What are words with out emotions, what beauty it is to have words written down express every thought and feeling. The way the writer can jot quickly or slowely. Tilt the letters  or write cursive, such uniqueness.  Such beauty to words, such beauty to the writers mind. .

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                                       –Note To Self

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Birthday dinner

Hubby took me out to a fancy Dancy restuarant,  to be honest it was beautiful but I felt so out of place. Over all, though even after the fact I felt so self consious, it was a great dinner.. Vintage Press.

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Sometimes this is all you need

Sometimes a walk is needed, put on your shoes and just go. Take a deep breath and allow your eyes to view the world, let your mind wonder off in all the thoughts kept up there. Sometimes in those kinds of walks, you return with answered questions, a better sense of who you are, where your going, what you want.¬†Sometimes that is all you need …

-Note To Self

Self-conscious

I’m not a materialistic person, at least I don’t think I am. So why do I feel a slight guilt, of getting something beautiful and expensive? It’s not like I went out and bought it, or constantly get things that are expensive. So why do I feel bad? Why do I feel self-conscious walking around with MK bag and MK watch while holding my starbucks coffee. Seriously, maybe because when I see other women in that way, I think to my self. Only reason you have all that is cuz you spend your hubby’s money. I know that sounds terrible of me. But I can’t help it, it’s my first thought, and for me it is true. Only reason I have them are cuz of my hubby. I don’t work so. Maybe that’s why I feel guilty, that it’s not my hard work paying for these things,  it’s his.
                                             -Note To Self

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Constant reminder inside my purse

Not long ago I had to see my doctor for a refill to my prescription, something I was very uncomfortable doing. Every time I see my doctor, he asks towards the end, if I would want to go on anti-depressants. Instantly I get angry at him, and respond no, I laugh it off, but I am so angry he asked. Does he think I need them, do I look depressed, the amount of questions and ideas that go through my mind would make you laugh. I still find it ridiculous that out of all the illnesses and etc. I get anxiety attacks. Like seriously? I am not a depressed person, I don’t walk around trembling and avoiding outside contact. I still try to have a handle on my anxiety without the use of meds. But every time I open my purse, there they are. Staring back at me, reminding me, that at some point in time I will have to use them, and it terrifies me. Medication terrifies me, the side effects terrify me. And instantly I feel angry at myself, and sadness washes through me for a moment. For the most part I’m ok, stubborn in my ideas. But for brief moments I’m reminded that a part of me for moments unexpected I’m not in control of myself. That perhaps I’m not as strong minded as I believe I am, or why else would I need meds for anxiety. It angers me that no matter what I do to stay busy, optimistic, happy, it doesn’t stop. It’s like my body decides to react to situations for me, when I force myself to try to be calm about things. My exterior says, calm and collective, but my body says Nope, this is too much for you. And the adrenaline kicks in, and there I am out of nowhere, having an anxiety attack, trying to look like I am not. Trying to tell myself you don’t need them, you got this, just breath, relax. But the fact is that they are there, and if I can’t stop it, if I can’t control it , I will have to use them. I will have to face the fact, my reality, and I don’t like it. But it’s, use them or black out? Can I have the luxury of blacking out when it’s just me and my boys, no one around to know what I am going through, to snap me back. No, I will have to, don’t want to but I have to for them. How did I get here, how did my body begin this kind of reaction to life? When did I become embarrassed caring around medication in my purse everyday. And yes, that’s exactly how I feel about it, embarrassed, silly I know, yet I feel it.

-Note To Self