Keep up

The time is here where I stand with two roads ahead of me, both are appealing to the eye, both are unknown. As I stand here, I feel a soft touch, on my finger tips, slowly filling and then overpowering my hand. As I stand here, one hand is being held with a firm grip of reassurance. Which ever road I decided to take. I know that you will still hold on and join me for the walk. Either choice made, will not only affect me but you as well, yet your initial touch brought an unbelievable excitement through my body, letting me know that either one will be an adventure. How do you do it? How do you manage to keep up? I guess I truly don’t care, I just care that you can and want. Your presence alone gives me the courage to just leap forward, which ever way my body goes.  I don’t have to think, I don’t have to second guess, and that’s what I love. I love knowing I don’t need to, I can just go. I like that about you, the same way I like my impulsive behavior. So let me be, I will move, try to keep up….

-Note To Self

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Far Fetched

My state of mind lately has been m.i.a. , I can’t seem to help it but it happens. Nights have become a constant battle, mornings have become a drag. I can’t seem to shake off this empty feeling, this need to hide under a rock. How desperately I feel the need to be left alone, yet I don’t want to be, I don’t want to be left alone with my thoughts and this unease feeling. I feel fear, like actual fear from moments, that perhaps one of these days an anxiety attack won’t be one, but rather a heart attack. My mother had one young, could I be prone to it too? I fear that these pains are triggers for something bigger, and I am afraid of all the what if’s. I know how far fetch my ideas may seem, but to me they feel, more real than anything. Lately all I have wanted to do is sleep, put on my head phones and just lay down and close my eyes and drift away into the lyrics. But I can’t, see being a mother I have no time for these things.. I hope this feeling fades, that I can get into a routine and be too busy for all of this..

-Note To Self

To a Time and Place

The memory of burning wood takes me back to a time and place I wished I could rewind time to.. It has been 10 years since I have gone to my home town in Mexico, and I truly do miss it. Unfortunately with all the hustle and bustle of life , I haven’t been able to go. And most likely it will be a while longer before I get to go, need my boys to get a bit older and Mexico to be safer to travel to. But that wood burning smell, man , I know it may seem weird but I find it so comforting, so peaceful. Reminds me of how simple things can be and how for a moment, I want to look up at the sky and just stare at the blinking stars. To allow my mind to drift away and forget I am surrounded by buildings, and cars and people on cell phones. But to drift to a land of green, trees, fresh beautiful flowers, and the old fashion heating up cows milk on a wood burning stove. The mugs aren’t white with funny  words imprinted in them, but rather are blue with splashes of white paint. Gosh how I miss that time, and how dumb of me to not have valued such moments 10 years ago. How there are racks on the wall for the large amount of mugs to hang along with all the pots. And breakfast consists of hot coffee with a warm sweet bread, and freshly made tortillas. The no internet signal, and the no t.v. but rather an old stereo bringing life to the old fashion home. And the long dinning table of mismatched chairs where everyone sits together and talks about anything and everything. Take me back to that time, where I didn’t value such beauty and simplicity so I can take full advantage of such a  time with family.

Note To Self