Caught in between being realistic to my boys and keeping the imagination and magic. To be upfront to them about life and yet letting them believe Santa exists. I tell my boys the truth about life and people and how not everyone has good intentions and how everything has a price. Yet last night my youngest wanted light in his room. Said it was too dark. The rational me wanted to to say of course because it’s night time and he needs to learn to sleep on his own in a dark room. But as I stared into his eyes something switched. I went and got a jar that has lights in it with reflective confetti stuff in it. I told them it was magical moon stars. They were in aww and asked if could open the jar. I told them I couldn’t because once the jar was open they would no longer exists and would disappear. I feel I am caught in this in between with them. I want them to keep this aww moments and yet I want them to know the reality.
Unwelcomed Invader poem with my meaning behind it
There is a creeper roaming around me,
I can feel the density of it,
The pressure on my chest.
It seems it has decided to cause more damage,
It’s digging itself into my chest,
It’s knife twisting and turning to make room.
The invasion has left me vulnerable,
My insides are at its disposal.
It strips my breaths so it itself can breathe,
It has placed a welcome mat,
It stays until boredom hits.
The pressure subsides,
I can breathe again,
Though I know it will come back to its home.
In the poem Unwelcome Invader, I used shifts to create perspective from two different
viewpoints. The first one is on first person, “there is a creeper roaming around me”. In this line the
narrator which is I, am explaining how I feel something that causes fear. I’m fully aware of its presence
and what it is capable of doing. The next shift is “it seems it has decided to cause more damage”. Here I
switch from first person to third person view point, to show the intruders behavior. The “it” which has
no name, switched from just a presence around to aggressive. The aggressive behavior has resulted in it
to cause massive pain in search for something that it needs or wants. The third shift, “my insides are at
its disposal”, here I switch back to first person to show the readers how I am feeling to this invasion. To
let readers, know that there was no fight, that I could do nothing to prevent it from doing what it wants.
The fourth shift, “It strips my breaths so it itself can breathe”, I switch back to third person to show readers again what “It” is doing. “It”, has found what it was searching for, and because of that it has
made itself a home. Where it can choose to leave and come back whenever it pleases. The final shift is,
“the pressure subsides”, where I end in first person. The last shift is meant to tell the readers, how much
control “It” has, and how it’s not in constant aggression. It allows the host to have relief, so it can keep
sustaining the life for “It”. The host which is I, is aware of this temporary relief, “though I know it will
come back to its home” and that “It” is here to stay.
The sound I used in this poem was meant to make the reader feel the pain, the anger and fear.
So that readers can have a better understanding, by they themselves also being able to relate in a sense.
By using the word “creeper”, it allows readers to be aware that it is something to be feared and be
aware of. I also used “digging” and “twisting”, to show the aggressive behavior of “It”. And the word
“stripping” so the readers are aware that something harsh is happening. The sounds of those words
were meant to create the emotions I mentioned.
I used shifts and sound, to show readers the physical and emotional relationship. Though most
will probably assume the poem is about one form of invasion, though it can relate to other forms of
invasion; like in this poem which is about an anxiety attack. The meaning of this poem is to show readers
how anxiety attacks just start. How the person has no control of when or where, they have no physical
control from preventing. People who live with anxiety attacks are aware they will keep occurring but
have to manage to live with them anyways.
A sonnet to coffee
I’d Like to say It has gotten better…
Haven’t had the need to write in such a long time, mostly because I’ve managed to keep myself overflowed. I read over my old posts and didn’t realize how raw they all felt. I felt really exposed and it was quite an uncomfortable feeling. I’d like to say my anxiety got better, it’s been quite some time since I have used any medication for it. I’d like to tell you I have gotten ahold of it and manage it. But I would be lying, I haven’t. I’ve been getting them frequently lately. And to be honest, it scares me. My anxiety is insane, and I feel it keeps getting worse. It’s changed my habits and actions and try so hard to fight it. To force myself to be me. I can’t get a gallon of milk from the grocery without first touching the handle with the back of my hand because I fear the shock I get sometimes from it. I can’t help but make sure all burners are on complete off before going to bed every night. I can’t help but feel fear in how I refuse to touch my glasses every time I pump gas in my car, or I see someone pumping gas near me and they are on their phone. the sign says not to be on phone when pumping! I can’t help my self from trembling when ever I drive further than 20 miles. Or the panic I feel before submitting my work. I feel it’s constraining me and choking me until I learn to stay put inside the safety of my home in my bed. Just this morning I’ve had to deal with two and one last night. I keep trying though. I force interactions and play and all the normal things people do. But lately it feels it’s taking more of me, more energy to get those things done.
-Note To Self
The Quest for Perfection is Born out of Imperfection 