Let me sleep

Memories dash right back in, I didn’t even have time to acknowledge its arrival.  I thought I was alone until I read that page. I thought I was alone in my inability to force words in my mind. Even less capable of making a sound to refuse. I thought I was alone, but I am not. Someone out there knows exactly how I felt in that moment, which brought your ghost back into my mind. I just hope you don’t stick around and create nightmares.

-Note To Self

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It’s not the action that hurt

People make mistakes daily, wishing for  a rewind button. I know I have plenty of those. I was angry for such a long time, at first I admit I thought my anger was toward his actions. the secrecy the lying, the twisting of words and pointing fingers at my own wrong doings. It wasn’t that… I was angry at myself, for feeling the emotions I felt. I did feel betrayed. but it was more about the  feeling as if I wasn’t enough. the feeling that I was lacking in areas where I didn’t think I lacked in. No, I don’t blame myself for his actions. those were his and he will learn to live with his. This is about me, about emotions I have never felt in my life. anything I pressed my mind on, I excelled. But with this dark cloud over our heads, showed me I wasn’t excelling, I was actually drifting far away without realizing it. I understand the pain now, why in some relationships, couples come out leaving as if they were little, not enough, as if they did something wrong. I was angry at myself for being that person, when I know I am stronger than that. I allowed those emotions to flood through me and fill me with anger and hate. I allowed my self to self wallow. Angry at my self to have allowed a single person to have that kind of control over my emotions. to have allowed someone to have that kind of impact on my character, my actions, my words, my feelings. that’s what I was angry at, not him, not his actions. but at myself to have opened my self up to love where it leaves room for such pain. I know I am enough, I know my worth. I did allow myself to have done a self pity party and blamed him. but now I see it clearly. I really don’t care for the lies and hiding. I cared more on the impact his actions had on the inner me. And for that I was angry, am angry. is it possible to love and hate a person, for making you feel as you are the whole world and yet not enough. I don’t know. but for now, I’m good with having this realization.

-Note To Self

A women’s intuition

How do you recover from the pain. from the insult to your intuition, the insult to your intelligence. A women’s intuition is her greatest gift, for those that know how to listen. No amount of lies and deletions can wipe away the actions. Nothing writes itself, it all begins in your mind down to your fingertips. You may think it was of no importance, but try telling that to the heart it shattered and the mind that broke.

-Note To Self

Make it stop

Love is a beautiful thing to feel, unfortunately it gives you the chance to also experience heart brake. 28 years and never felt that punch in my stomach, that empty feeling, that lump in my throat that blocks my breathing.28 years I have never felt so physically numb and paralyzed, so lost. Never has my mind swirled so blankly and yet with so much. Never have I felt my chest rip apart that way. I am not angry at the actions as much as I am for the feeling it caused in me. This is new to me, and it hurts, it physically hurts my body, I am exhausted as if I have been drained out. I cannot repeat this feeling, Ever! The freezing air outside had no effect on the numbness I felt, I was completely dumbfound. Tears seem like they are a natural reaction, either to free yourself, or maybe its an overflow. How long does it take to not feel this way. How do I make it stop, how do I make myself stop, you caused this so make it stop! I am ashamed at my actions too, but what can I say my intuitions are never wrong. You gave me your reason, but I cannot comprehend the why. Why?

  • -Note To Self

Don’t laugh

It’s been a while, so suppose I can write about it now. When your ego, and your character gets stabbed at it’s easier to just walk away. I know you felt it, I tried not to, but lets face the fact, we both felt it. It was close, a little too close perhaps. I have a terrible habit that when someone cries, I cannot help but laugh. When you were being serious with me, I couldn’t  help but just laugh. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just out of my comfort zone and made me feel really uncomfortable. I was  more mad at the fact that your words had an effect on me. I was angry that I actually felt the need to cry. I get over things so easily, so I knew it wasn’t so much the words or actions. It was that feeling I had from it, that made me so angry. Not again, and I repeat, not again.

-Note To Self

THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX

Some of the most vulnerable, meaningful things in life are done blindly. Like loving, trusting, and having faith. Our society today teaches a person that if you don’t see, you don’t believe it. To always prepare for the worst to come, but what kind of way is that to live. Why not have a little faith, why not have the chance to truly know what love is like, and to be able to trust another. Perhaps everyone else is waiting and wishing for the same thing, someone to give them a chance.Isn’t it better to step outside the box, I’m not saying having trust, loving or having faith in someone comes easy, but I believe life is better than what society leads you to believe.

-Note To Self

Why silence is more painful

Am I the only one to hate flashbacks, to be reminded of a pain, one hasn’t healed from. How a someone can bring you so much joy, and then take it away so easily like a thief. Leave you wondering all the why’s or the what if’s. How that someone said trust me, so you did. How that someone said you could tell them anything, only to be used against you after. How you once thought of allowing someone into your mind, only to find out that, that person couldn’t take everything that ran through your mind. How that one person shut you off without an explanation, making you wonder what you did wrong. Why suddenly you feel so used, your heart dropped to the floor, your mind swirling of where did it go wrong. And the world wonders why we find it difficult to trust anyone, to allow someone have full trust of our mind and body. This is why, because people leave without an explanation, shutting you out. Leaving you to figure it out with your own unraveling, and picking yourself up on your own. Do you know how many nights one stays awake, how many tosses one does, how many times you feel a punch in your stomach, throat startled from a  cry that wanted to escape. Then the next emotion is anger, and guilt for feeling anger, as if one isn’t entitled to feel angry. Then you learn let it go, only to have flashbacks of the once happy memory that now has turned into a painful memory. What happened to honesty, what happened to being upfront. All one asks is that the moment you are done, please say so, rather then get slapped in the face with silence, and being blocked from all there social media accounts. Yea , we get the memo, but one prefers to be told these things upfront. No, you don’t owe anyone  an explenation, but it would be easier to move on with one. Or does one let go of there pride, and look crazy and be the first to start asking the questions. Worst part is, just as quick as it started, one would take you back in, no questions asked. How more wreckless can one be..

-Note To Self 

Choose all of you

Don’t pick one part of you, pick all of you. Do you realize how uniquely beautiful each one of us is. It is difficult to not compare ourselves to celebrities or those fitness people on social media. How hard it is to avoid the constant commercials about improving our selves, from diets, teeth whitening, to gym memberships, to tummy tucks and the list goes on. Just when you begin to tell yourself you look good, here comes on a commercial, or a picture everyone liked on social media on some person that is perfectly fit. It gives you an urge to avoid that next meal, or even worse, stuff your face with unhealthy food. People say love yourself, if you don’t like how you look, then do something about it. Well easier said then done, routines are difficult to break or to even begin. So stop beating yourself up, because you constantly fail at keeping a workout routine, or the diet meal plan. We all want to look like the ideal perfect, to have everything we wear fit nicely, but you know what, reality, you are not alone. Clothes don’t fit us perfectly, either too long, too short, to loose, too tight, etc. We are built differently, some with broad shoulders, some bigger boobs, small butts, wider thighs, etc… So when you look in the mirror, and you are looking for something about yourself that you like most. Choose All Of You… Everything about you is beautiful, everything about you is gorgeous or handsome. Everything, from the inside out about you is amazing. If you feel for a moment sad about your appearance, remember, you and your mind and heart, are a gorgeous thing to behold. I’m telling you, You are gorgeous, you are handsome..

-Note To Self

Proceed with caution 

Careful with her mischievous mind, it’s quite a tangle, difficult to get out of. And even upon escape, be prepared for the rath that follows. There will be an empty space, you once upon a time occupied. No mind likes to be abandoned, before it is ready to let go. 

                                   -Note To Self