How do I explain that feeling, when thoughts of losing someone are there. that initial thought of anger, yet sadness. How everyone around me had chances to just break down and cry, get comfort. Yet I stand there stiff as a rock, just watching there reactions, whishing I could do the same. How come I don’t get to just have a moment to break down, how come I don’t get that selfish moment. I suppose because I know better, I know that there needs to be someone stable, reasonable. Or maybe I just can’t, maybe I don’t how to just let go. This week has been the hardest, most exhausting one, spent everyday back and forth. From my parents home down south to the hospital and back to check on my children. To be honest I just want to go back home, I want my husband to hold me tight and tell me that it’s ok, I want to be able to cry like a baby in his arms, and get comforted by him. I don’t recall feeling this kind of feeling, for those that have lost a parent I can’t imagine how they must have felt. Just the thoughts and all the waiting sent my anxiety through the roof, and yet I had not a moment to pause and allow myself to wallow. I’m tired, but I will be honest , now I feel relief. My mother will be home, and I can go back home, I can go back to stressing over my school process, and of what mess my kids are making in there rooms.
-Note To Self