Magical Moon Stars

Caught in between being realistic to my boys and keeping the imagination and magic. To be upfront to them about life and yet letting them believe Santa exists. I tell my boys the truth about life and people and how not everyone has good intentions and how everything has a price. Yet last night my youngest wanted light in his room. Said it was too dark. The rational me wanted to to say of course because it’s night time and he needs to learn to sleep on his own in a dark room. But as I stared into his eyes something switched. I went and got a jar that has lights in it with reflective confetti stuff in it. I told them it was magical moon stars. They were in aww and asked if could open the jar. I told them I couldn’t because once the jar was open they would no longer exists and would disappear. I feel I am caught in this in between with them. I want them to keep this aww moments and yet I want them to know the reality.

Unwelcomed Invader poem with my meaning behind it

There is a creeper roaming around me,

I can feel the density of it,

The pressure on my chest.

It seems it has decided to cause more damage,

It’s digging itself into my chest,

It’s knife twisting and turning to make room.

The invasion has left me vulnerable,

My insides are at its disposal.

It strips my breaths so it itself can breathe,

It has placed a welcome mat,

It stays until boredom hits.

The pressure subsides,

I can breathe again,

Though I know it will come back to its home.

In the poem Unwelcome Invader, I used shifts to create perspective from two different

viewpoints. The first one is on first person, “there is a creeper roaming around me”. In this line the

narrator which is I, am explaining how I feel something that causes fear. I’m fully aware of its presence

and what it is capable of doing. The next shift is “it seems it has decided to cause more damage”. Here I

switch from first person to third person view point, to show the intruders behavior. The “it” which has

no name, switched from just a presence around to aggressive. The aggressive behavior has resulted in it

to cause massive pain in search for something that it needs or wants. The third shift, “my insides are at

its disposal”, here I switch back to first person to show the readers how I am feeling to this invasion. To

let readers, know that there was no fight, that I could do nothing to prevent it from doing what it wants.

The fourth shift, “It strips my breaths so it itself can breathe”, I switch back to third person to show readers again what “It” is doing. “It”, has found what it was searching for, and because of that it has

made itself a home. Where it can choose to leave and come back whenever it pleases. The final shift is,

“the pressure subsides”, where I end in first person. The last shift is meant to tell the readers, how much

control “It” has, and how it’s not in constant aggression. It allows the host to have relief, so it can keep

sustaining the life for “It”. The host which is I, is aware of this temporary relief, “though I know it will

come back to its home” and that “It” is here to stay.

The sound I used in this poem was meant to make the reader feel the pain, the anger and fear.

So that readers can have a better understanding, by they themselves also being able to relate in a sense.

By using the word “creeper”, it allows readers to be aware that it is something to be feared and be

aware of. I also used “digging” and “twisting”, to show the aggressive behavior of “It”. And the word

“stripping” so the readers are aware that something harsh is happening. The sounds of those words

were meant to create the emotions I mentioned.

I used shifts and sound, to show readers the physical and emotional relationship. Though most

will probably assume the poem is about one form of invasion, though it can relate to other forms of

invasion; like in this poem which is about an anxiety attack. The meaning of this poem is to show readers

how anxiety attacks just start. How the person has no control of when or where, they have no physical

control from preventing. People who live with anxiety attacks are aware they will keep occurring but

have to manage to live with them anyways.

A sonnet to coffee

Why silence is more painful

Am I the only one to hate flashbacks, to be reminded of a pain, one hasn’t healed from. How a someone can bring you so much joy, and then take it away so easily like a thief. Leave you wondering all the why’s or the what if’s. How that someone said trust me, so you did. How that someone said you could tell them anything, only to be used against you after. How you once thought of allowing someone into your mind, only to find out that, that person couldn’t take everything that ran through your mind. How that one person shut you off without an explanation, making you wonder what you did wrong. Why suddenly you feel so used, your heart dropped to the floor, your mind swirling of where did it go wrong. And the world wonders why we find it difficult to trust anyone, to allow someone have full trust of our mind and body. This is why, because people leave without an explanation, shutting you out. Leaving you to figure it out with your own unraveling, and picking yourself up on your own. Do you know how many nights one stays awake, how many tosses one does, how many times you feel a punch in your stomach, throat startled from a  cry that wanted to escape. Then the next emotion is anger, and guilt for feeling anger, as if one isn’t entitled to feel angry. Then you learn let it go, only to have flashbacks of the once happy memory that now has turned into a painful memory. What happened to honesty, what happened to being upfront. All one asks is that the moment you are done, please say so, rather then get slapped in the face with silence, and being blocked from all there social media accounts. Yea , we get the memo, but one prefers to be told these things upfront. No, you don’t owe anyone  an explenation, but it would be easier to move on with one. Or does one let go of there pride, and look crazy and be the first to start asking the questions. Worst part is, just as quick as it started, one would take you back in, no questions asked. How more wreckless can one be..

-Note To Self 

Paint Evidence

Want to know what a painters brushes look like? How they have splashes from each color they have used. How they have fingerprints left behind of colors from where they held it. How they have left their emotions on every bristle from each stroke. How they left the evidence of their heart in each paint color splashed on the handle. How they have left their minds on each stubble from the pressure, that has curved it outward. How the once clear water, has been stained and mixed by every shade used.

-Note To Self

I can’t write about it

I can’t even write about it…
That’s how you know it’s too deep..

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Just Like That……

And just like that, a simple “Hi”, from you was like a rush of something tumbling me down. Just like that, I was thrown a curve ball, I was not ready for. Just like that, everything that I once knew was thrown out the window, and scattered on the pavement floor. Just like that, my body reacted as if a cold breeze traveled through my veins. Just like that, my thoughts scrambled and words were distorted, into a language that made no sense. Just like that, adrenaline and fear crossed though the most depths of my chest. Just like that, your two letter word crumbled me, and here I am trying to pick up the pieces. Just like that, your one word drowned me into a confusion I cannot explain. I wasn’t ready for it, I wasn’t expecting this reaction, I wasn’t expecting it to be you.

-Note To Self

Perhaps when you began?

When did it begin? When did I begin to bottle up and scream and cry inside my head while my body language was as if I was at ease. When did it begin, for my body to be overwhelmed with an overload of emotions and adrenaline, and yet could react to non. Perhaps when you began? Every time I come across a vehicle with siren lights flashing, I think of you. Was that when it started for both of us? I remember your body twisting and jerking rapidly. I remember being in fear every time I got in the car with you, perhaps it would trigger while we were moving? Or like that one day we were driving in the freeway and you pulled out on an exit, and I thought to my self why? Then the car stopped, green light came on and yet we still didn’t move. I turned to you and there you were having a convulsion, with your body stiff. I put the car on park, emergency lights on, called 911 and tried to lean your seat back and move your leg off of the brake, so I can move you side ways, I couldn’t budge you for nothing. To be honest, I was afraid mostly because I couldn’t do anything to help you and make it go away. I remember from the first time you got one, a man that helped us get you out of the car onto the floor, said to rub your legs and call your name. I remember peoples faces, they were afraid, crying and praying. So that’s what I did that day, hoping you could hear me I called out to you, and hope you would come back to us. We had to wait until the paramedics came to get you out of the car. Since I was not old enough to drive or had a license, a police officer took your place in your car and drove us out of the way to a parking lot. They had already taken you to the local hospital,while we were stuck with the police officer until our mother came to pick us up. Must of felt like eternity waiting there, wondering where they took you, how you were?  How did I manage to control my self, from falling on my knees and joining them. When all I wanted to do was cry hysterically. I couldn’t then, and I couldn’t that time either. I somehow had to wait till everything was over, the day was over, act as normal as possible, until we got home. I could lock my self in my room and allow myself to fall apart. I wonder how you felt? What anger overwhelmed you, perhaps the same way anger rushes through me with my anxiety’s? Did you feel helpless? Did you ever fall apart? Did you do the same?.It came like a thief crashing in uninvited, destroying the safety n peace feelings out of us..You didn’t ask for it. I didn’t ask for it. It just intrudes without warning or permission and barnbards our lives with no regard to how it changes our mood for the day. Was that how you felt?Was that when it began?

-Note To Self