When did it begin? When did I begin to bottle up and scream and cry inside my head while my body language was as if I was at ease. When did it begin, for my body to be overwhelmed with an overload of emotions and adrenaline, and yet could react to non. Perhaps when you began? Every time I come across a vehicle with siren lights flashing, I think of you. Was that when it started for both of us? I remember your body twisting and jerking rapidly. I remember being in fear every time I got in the car with you, perhaps it would trigger while we were moving? Or like that one day we were driving in the freeway and you pulled out on an exit, and I thought to my self why? Then the car stopped, green light came on and yet we still didn’t move. I turned to you and there you were having a convulsion, with your body stiff. I put the car on park, emergency lights on, called 911 and tried to lean your seat back and move your leg off of the brake, so I can move you side ways, I couldn’t budge you for nothing. To be honest, I was afraid mostly because I couldn’t do anything to help you and make it go away. I remember from the first time you got one, a man that helped us get you out of the car onto the floor, said to rub your legs and call your name. I remember peoples faces, they were afraid, crying and praying. So that’s what I did that day, hoping you could hear me I called out to you, and hope you would come back to us. We had to wait until the paramedics came to get you out of the car. Since I was not old enough to drive or had a license, a police officer took your place in your car and drove us out of the way to a parking lot. They had already taken you to the local hospital,while we were stuck with the police officer until our mother came to pick us up. Must of felt like eternity waiting there, wondering where they took you, how you were?  How did I manage to control my self, from falling on my knees and joining them. When all I wanted to do was cry hysterically. I couldn’t then, and I couldn’t that time either. I somehow had to wait till everything was over, the day was over, act as normal as possible, until we got home. I could lock my self in my room and allow myself to fall apart. I wonder how you felt? What anger overwhelmed you, perhaps the same way anger rushes through me with my anxiety’s? Did you feel helpless? Did you ever fall apart? Did you do the same?.It came like a thief crashing in uninvited, destroying the safety n peace feelings out of us..You didn’t ask for it. I didn’t ask for it. It just intrudes without warning or permission and barnbards our lives with no regard to how it changes our mood for the day. Was that how you felt?Was that when it began?

-Note To Self


10 thoughts on “Perhaps when you began?

      1. Medication mainly and then she stopped taking it and never had another. She had so many seizures throughout her life as there wasn’t the medication or understanding back then. They became less violent as she grew older. She would just glaze over then, but they were very violent when my mum was growing up. Once she had one in the street and no one helped her.


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