Caught in between being realistic to my boys and keeping the imagination and magic. To be upfront to them about life and yet letting them believe Santa exists. I tell my boys the truth about life and people and how not everyone has good intentions and how everything has a price. Yet last night my youngest wanted light in his room. Said it was too dark. The rational me wanted to to say of course because it’s night time and he needs to learn to sleep on his own in a dark room. But as I stared into his eyes something switched. I went and got a jar that has lights in it with reflective confetti stuff in it. I told them it was magical moon stars. They were in aww and asked if could open the jar. I told them I couldn’t because once the jar was open they would no longer exists and would disappear. I feel I am caught in this in between with them. I want them to keep this aww moments and yet I want them to know the reality.
Unwelcomed Invader poem with my meaning behind it
There is a creeper roaming around me,
I can feel the density of it,
The pressure on my chest.
It seems it has decided to cause more damage,
It’s digging itself into my chest,
It’s knife twisting and turning to make room.
The invasion has left me vulnerable,
My insides are at its disposal.
It strips my breaths so it itself can breathe,
It has placed a welcome mat,
It stays until boredom hits.
The pressure subsides,
I can breathe again,
Though I know it will come back to its home.
In the poem Unwelcome Invader, I used shifts to create perspective from two different
viewpoints. The first one is on first person, “there is a creeper roaming around me”. In this line the
narrator which is I, am explaining how I feel something that causes fear. I’m fully aware of its presence
and what it is capable of doing. The next shift is “it seems it has decided to cause more damage”. Here I
switch from first person to third person view point, to show the intruders behavior. The “it” which has
no name, switched from just a presence around to aggressive. The aggressive behavior has resulted in it
to cause massive pain in search for something that it needs or wants. The third shift, “my insides are at
its disposal”, here I switch back to first person to show the readers how I am feeling to this invasion. To
let readers, know that there was no fight, that I could do nothing to prevent it from doing what it wants.
The fourth shift, “It strips my breaths so it itself can breathe”, I switch back to third person to show readers again what “It” is doing. “It”, has found what it was searching for, and because of that it has
made itself a home. Where it can choose to leave and come back whenever it pleases. The final shift is,
“the pressure subsides”, where I end in first person. The last shift is meant to tell the readers, how much
control “It” has, and how it’s not in constant aggression. It allows the host to have relief, so it can keep
sustaining the life for “It”. The host which is I, is aware of this temporary relief, “though I know it will
come back to its home” and that “It” is here to stay.
The sound I used in this poem was meant to make the reader feel the pain, the anger and fear.
So that readers can have a better understanding, by they themselves also being able to relate in a sense.
By using the word “creeper”, it allows readers to be aware that it is something to be feared and be
aware of. I also used “digging” and “twisting”, to show the aggressive behavior of “It”. And the word
“stripping” so the readers are aware that something harsh is happening. The sounds of those words
were meant to create the emotions I mentioned.
I used shifts and sound, to show readers the physical and emotional relationship. Though most
will probably assume the poem is about one form of invasion, though it can relate to other forms of
invasion; like in this poem which is about an anxiety attack. The meaning of this poem is to show readers
how anxiety attacks just start. How the person has no control of when or where, they have no physical
control from preventing. People who live with anxiety attacks are aware they will keep occurring but
have to manage to live with them anyways.
A sonnet to coffee
It’s not the action that hurt
People make mistakes daily, wishing for a rewind button. I know I have plenty of those. I was angry for such a long time, at first I admit I thought my anger was toward his actions. the secrecy the lying, the twisting of words and pointing fingers at my own wrong doings. It wasn’t that… I was angry at myself, for feeling the emotions I felt. I did feel betrayed. but it was more about the feeling as if I wasn’t enough. the feeling that I was lacking in areas where I didn’t think I lacked in. No, I don’t blame myself for his actions. those were his and he will learn to live with his. This is about me, about emotions I have never felt in my life. anything I pressed my mind on, I excelled. But with this dark cloud over our heads, showed me I wasn’t excelling, I was actually drifting far away without realizing it. I understand the pain now, why in some relationships, couples come out leaving as if they were little, not enough, as if they did something wrong. I was angry at myself for being that person, when I know I am stronger than that. I allowed those emotions to flood through me and fill me with anger and hate. I allowed my self to self wallow. Angry at my self to have allowed a single person to have that kind of control over my emotions. to have allowed someone to have that kind of impact on my character, my actions, my words, my feelings. that’s what I was angry at, not him, not his actions. but at myself to have opened my self up to love where it leaves room for such pain. I know I am enough, I know my worth. I did allow myself to have done a self pity party and blamed him. but now I see it clearly. I really don’t care for the lies and hiding. I cared more on the impact his actions had on the inner me. And for that I was angry, am angry. is it possible to love and hate a person, for making you feel as you are the whole world and yet not enough. I don’t know. but for now, I’m good with having this realization.
-Note To Self
A women’s intuition
How do you recover from the pain. from the insult to your intuition, the insult to your intelligence. A women’s intuition is her greatest gift, for those that know how to listen. No amount of lies and deletions can wipe away the actions. Nothing writes itself, it all begins in your mind down to your fingertips. You may think it was of no importance, but try telling that to the heart it shattered and the mind that broke.
-Note To Self
Getting lost in All the Titles
Somewhere along the line of being a mother I got a bit lost, technically, I still do sometimes. I forget that I am more then just a mom, just a wife, just the person that lives here, that cooks, cleans, etc.. Somewhere along the line, I forget that I am still me, the Girl that listens to hard-cord music to relax. The Girl that loves to; paint, read, craft, watch 19th centaury movies. The girl that likes the comfort of being alone with music blasting in her ears. Having to manage different tasks is difficult, how do you switch from you to mom;
: To wife, to the clean up crew, that nurse, the referee, the teacher, the chef, the friend, the sister, the daughter, the niece, the cousin, the granddaughter, the student, the taxi driver, the cheerleader, the toy repair expert, potty trainer, play-date coordinator, manners tutor, seamstress, spiritual guidance, and so much more..
That’s a lot of titles, and that’s only a few.. So how do you Not, get lost in all of this?
Where are you suppose to have time for you to be You? Have time to eat the first-time warmed up plate, not the repeated warmed up plate. Have time to drink that coffee that’s nice and hot, and not the one you had to rewarm maybe twice if your lucky. And no , Not an Exaggeration. Have time to get your nails done, and I don’t mean that nail polish you bought 6 months ago and your applying it yourself late at night, because you finally put the kids to sleep. Have time to get a decent hair cut, and not the one you you-tubed and attempted in front of your bathroom mirror. There is so much more, but frankly I only have time for a brief summary of it.
So how do you juggle All this, and deal with Anxiety attacks? It’s easy for people to tell you, you need to make time for yourself, you need to just pray about it, you need to just breath.. Clearly I know, but it’s easier to say then do. I can plan something, and then replan, and etc. Life happens, I figured it’s easier to Not plan. How about I deal my day one at a time. swing as the curveballs come, figure it out as I go. It is less stressful this way, this way I don’t deal with disappointment, if I didn’t get to do something. This way I don’t get lost.
Sorry I don’t have an answer, for my own question. All I can say, that maybe, their nap time can be your time. Don’t stress over the cleaning and planning. Maybe you have to be a little selfish. And No, this does not make you a bad mother and etc. This makes you human, this makes You, You. So You don’t get lost, so You can have once in a blue-moon kind of day, to be You. All situations are different, it’s probably why I don’t have an answer for my own question, because no day is the same. But just remember , under all those titles, you are still You, the mother that is loved, the one your partner fell in love with. It’s ok if you don’t get to be You all the time, just don’t forget You are still their, and it needs a little sunshine once in a while.
-Note To Self
Key sketch
Life is a journey, you hold the key to it
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-Note To Self blogs, hope you find inspiring and motivational, or just like.
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:(: You Decide
Siblings are raised in the same home, under the same parents, under the same rules, under the same circumstances. So what makes us take different views on the world, and live so differently? It all comes down to the choices we make, who we choose to listen to, who we choose to hang around, who we choose to tolerate. I chose positive people to make a positive mark in my life, from elementary teachers that will never know how influential they were. To friends and other adults through out life, their positive outlook and way of living allowed me to see there was more, and I wanted that more. I wanted joy, I wanted my happy ending. Where I choose to make the best out of where and what I have in life. And not allow my self to wallow in the past, and feel sorry for myself, or put blame others for it. I chose to let go, I chose to be happy. I chose my yesterday, today, and I will choose my tomorrow. Life is lived once, so why live it miserably, why not enjoy in harmony and peace.
– Note To Self
The Quest for Perfection is Born out of Imperfection 