My state of mind lately has been m.i.a. , I can’t seem to help it but it happens. Nights have become a constant battle, mornings have become a drag. I can’t seem to shake off this empty feeling, this need to hide under a rock. How desperately I feel the need to be left alone, yet I don’t want to be, I don’t want to be left alone with my thoughts and this unease feeling. I feel fear, like actual fear from moments, that perhaps one of these days an anxiety attack won’t be one, but rather a heart attack. My mother had one young, could I be prone to it too? I fear that these pains are triggers for something bigger, and I am afraid of all the what if’s. I know how far fetch my ideas may seem, but to me they feel, more real than anything. Lately all I have wanted to do is sleep, put on my head phones and just lay down and close my eyes and drift away into the lyrics. But I can’t, see being a mother I have no time for these things.. I hope this feeling fades, that I can get into a routine and be too busy for all of this..

-Note To Self

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