Caught in between being realistic to my boys and keeping the imagination and magic. To be upfront to them about life and yet letting them believe Santa exists. I tell my boys the truth about life and people and how not everyone has good intentions and how everything has a price. Yet last night my youngest wanted light in his room. Said it was too dark. The rational me wanted to to say of course because it’s night time and he needs to learn to sleep on his own in a dark room. But as I stared into his eyes something switched. I went and got a jar that has lights in it with reflective confetti stuff in it. I told them it was magical moon stars. They were in aww and asked if could open the jar. I told them I couldn’t because once the jar was open they would no longer exists and would disappear. I feel I am caught in this in between with them. I want them to keep this aww moments and yet I want them to know the reality.
Unwelcomed Invader poem with my meaning behind it
There is a creeper roaming around me,
I can feel the density of it,
The pressure on my chest.
It seems it has decided to cause more damage,
It’s digging itself into my chest,
It’s knife twisting and turning to make room.
The invasion has left me vulnerable,
My insides are at its disposal.
It strips my breaths so it itself can breathe,
It has placed a welcome mat,
It stays until boredom hits.
The pressure subsides,
I can breathe again,
Though I know it will come back to its home.
In the poem Unwelcome Invader, I used shifts to create perspective from two different
viewpoints. The first one is on first person, “there is a creeper roaming around me”. In this line the
narrator which is I, am explaining how I feel something that causes fear. I’m fully aware of its presence
and what it is capable of doing. The next shift is “it seems it has decided to cause more damage”. Here I
switch from first person to third person view point, to show the intruders behavior. The “it” which has
no name, switched from just a presence around to aggressive. The aggressive behavior has resulted in it
to cause massive pain in search for something that it needs or wants. The third shift, “my insides are at
its disposal”, here I switch back to first person to show the readers how I am feeling to this invasion. To
let readers, know that there was no fight, that I could do nothing to prevent it from doing what it wants.
The fourth shift, “It strips my breaths so it itself can breathe”, I switch back to third person to show readers again what “It” is doing. “It”, has found what it was searching for, and because of that it has
made itself a home. Where it can choose to leave and come back whenever it pleases. The final shift is,
“the pressure subsides”, where I end in first person. The last shift is meant to tell the readers, how much
control “It” has, and how it’s not in constant aggression. It allows the host to have relief, so it can keep
sustaining the life for “It”. The host which is I, is aware of this temporary relief, “though I know it will
come back to its home” and that “It” is here to stay.
The sound I used in this poem was meant to make the reader feel the pain, the anger and fear.
So that readers can have a better understanding, by they themselves also being able to relate in a sense.
By using the word “creeper”, it allows readers to be aware that it is something to be feared and be
aware of. I also used “digging” and “twisting”, to show the aggressive behavior of “It”. And the word
“stripping” so the readers are aware that something harsh is happening. The sounds of those words
were meant to create the emotions I mentioned.
I used shifts and sound, to show readers the physical and emotional relationship. Though most
will probably assume the poem is about one form of invasion, though it can relate to other forms of
invasion; like in this poem which is about an anxiety attack. The meaning of this poem is to show readers
how anxiety attacks just start. How the person has no control of when or where, they have no physical
control from preventing. People who live with anxiety attacks are aware they will keep occurring but
have to manage to live with them anyways.
A sonnet to coffee
It’s not the action that hurt
People make mistakes daily, wishing for a rewind button. I know I have plenty of those. I was angry for such a long time, at first I admit I thought my anger was toward his actions. the secrecy the lying, the twisting of words and pointing fingers at my own wrong doings. It wasn’t that… I was angry at myself, for feeling the emotions I felt. I did feel betrayed. but it was more about the feeling as if I wasn’t enough. the feeling that I was lacking in areas where I didn’t think I lacked in. No, I don’t blame myself for his actions. those were his and he will learn to live with his. This is about me, about emotions I have never felt in my life. anything I pressed my mind on, I excelled. But with this dark cloud over our heads, showed me I wasn’t excelling, I was actually drifting far away without realizing it. I understand the pain now, why in some relationships, couples come out leaving as if they were little, not enough, as if they did something wrong. I was angry at myself for being that person, when I know I am stronger than that. I allowed those emotions to flood through me and fill me with anger and hate. I allowed my self to self wallow. Angry at my self to have allowed a single person to have that kind of control over my emotions. to have allowed someone to have that kind of impact on my character, my actions, my words, my feelings. that’s what I was angry at, not him, not his actions. but at myself to have opened my self up to love where it leaves room for such pain. I know I am enough, I know my worth. I did allow myself to have done a self pity party and blamed him. but now I see it clearly. I really don’t care for the lies and hiding. I cared more on the impact his actions had on the inner me. And for that I was angry, am angry. is it possible to love and hate a person, for making you feel as you are the whole world and yet not enough. I don’t know. but for now, I’m good with having this realization.
-Note To Self
Make it stop
Love is a beautiful thing to feel, unfortunately it gives you the chance to also experience heart brake. 28 years and never felt that punch in my stomach, that empty feeling, that lump in my throat that blocks my breathing.28 years I have never felt so physically numb and paralyzed, so lost. Never has my mind swirled so blankly and yet with so much. Never have I felt my chest rip apart that way. I am not angry at the actions as much as I am for the feeling it caused in me. This is new to me, and it hurts, it physically hurts my body, I am exhausted as if I have been drained out. I cannot repeat this feeling, Ever! The freezing air outside had no effect on the numbness I felt, I was completely dumbfound. Tears seem like they are a natural reaction, either to free yourself, or maybe its an overflow. How long does it take to not feel this way. How do I make it stop, how do I make myself stop, you caused this so make it stop! I am ashamed at my actions too, but what can I say my intuitions are never wrong. You gave me your reason, but I cannot comprehend the why. Why?
- -Note To Self
THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX
Some of the most vulnerable, meaningful things in life are done blindly. Like loving, trusting, and having faith. Our society today teaches a person that if you don’t see, you don’t believe it. To always prepare for the worst to come, but what kind of way is that to live. Why not have a little faith, why not have the chance to truly know what love is like, and to be able to trust another. Perhaps everyone else is waiting and wishing for the same thing, someone to give them a chance.Isn’t it better to step outside the box, I’m not saying having trust, loving or having faith in someone comes easy, but I believe life is better than what society leads you to believe.
-Note To Self
Choose all of you
Don’t pick one part of you, pick all of you. Do you realize how uniquely beautiful each one of us is. It is difficult to not compare ourselves to celebrities or those fitness people on social media. How hard it is to avoid the constant commercials about improving our selves, from diets, teeth whitening, to gym memberships, to tummy tucks and the list goes on. Just when you begin to tell yourself you look good, here comes on a commercial, or a picture everyone liked on social media on some person that is perfectly fit. It gives you an urge to avoid that next meal, or even worse, stuff your face with unhealthy food. People say love yourself, if you don’t like how you look, then do something about it. Well easier said then done, routines are difficult to break or to even begin. So stop beating yourself up, because you constantly fail at keeping a workout routine, or the diet meal plan. We all want to look like the ideal perfect, to have everything we wear fit nicely, but you know what, reality, you are not alone. Clothes don’t fit us perfectly, either too long, too short, to loose, too tight, etc. We are built differently, some with broad shoulders, some bigger boobs, small butts, wider thighs, etc… So when you look in the mirror, and you are looking for something about yourself that you like most. Choose All Of You… Everything about you is beautiful, everything about you is gorgeous or handsome. Everything, from the inside out about you is amazing. If you feel for a moment sad about your appearance, remember, you and your mind and heart, are a gorgeous thing to behold. I’m telling you, You are gorgeous, you are handsome..
-Note To Self
One of my obsessions
I love reading, and I just love libraries. But when I found this one, it was like walking into a candy store. If you ever have traveled and you’re Hearts Castle in California, then you know. This place, the detail, the money spent here, my goodness. Amazing.
What do I mean by it
Imperfection is beauty…
The idea that only certain people, or certain things can be recognized as beautiful, I have never been able to grasp. I have seen people look at others or things with such an admiration. It made me question, what do they see? What makes that person, thing, or place worth giving a second look. Now I believe I can understand it to some level, now I can comprehend what actual beauty is. It’s being able to see a person, place, or thing, and question every detail of it. See every detail that it or person was made with, and ask how, how long did it take, what was the intention for these different features. And see how beautiful it is to see so much difference, to see the aging, the beating it took, the loneliness it has endured. Ever look at an old building, wonder how old it is? what is it made from? that somehow it’s still standing. What caused those chipping corners? the faded discoloration, what has it seen, how many people have walked in and out of it, how many brakes it had, how many repairs it needed? That’s my thoughts when I see a building, a person, or place. and just the idea that this place, person, or whatever, is somehow still standing, amazes me. The life that has passed, and yet there is still someone out there that will love it, stare at it with such beauty in their eyes. See every wrinkle, every chip, every fade, every detail of it, and just be awed by it. Everything, every person, has a story, a sad one and a happy one. And I’m just curious to know them all. So to me, I like things the way they are, I like things that are forgotten or ignored, because its those that have on heck of a story, and that is beauty, the details.
-Note To Self
Happy Mother’s Day
The Quest for Perfection is Born out of Imperfection 