I find it ironic, how people have a perspective of me, and truly believe they know me too well. That I am this confident mom that has it handled, that my bluntness and lack of sympathy to my responses are what is needed. How I am constantly doing something with my kids, for my kids or for my self, or taking up a challenge. How I have such patience in moments most would flip out, how I manage to appeal calm and relaxed.
Did you know that’s quite a lie, let me give you an example of my constant attack on my ridiculous fears. Yesterday I was driving to the grocery store, not very far from where I live. It was a rainy day, and as I’m pulling out into the street, instantly I get this flush of fear through my body. Almost like a tingly sensation, like something creeping up from behind me. I try to turn up the music to shut off my mind, doesn’t help much. The thoughts that cross my mind make me feel like I’m insane for thinking them. Of what would happen if I waited a little longer to pull out into the street, that car could of hit me. Or how as I’m driving across an intersection, another car blindly crosses and smashes into my car. What if the car next to me without signal or warning crosses into my lane and causes my car to skid on that slippery rainy floor. Or how I am pulling into the parking lot, and randomly a person isn’t paying attention and crosses my path and I bump them. Or how as I am pulling in the parking space, another care decided they are more in a rush and they decided to force their car into that space. Silly thoughts, yes they are, but they are very real to me, they bring me an enormous sensation of fear. Just like every time I plug in something electrical in the socket, the fear I have of being electrocuted.
I could wallow at home and refuse to never step out of bed, because the world is to terrifying for me, the what IFs are too many for my mind to grasp. But I can’t, not my thing, I prefer to conquer these silly obnoxious fears everyday. I rather tell my self “you got this”, then ” you should have”. It takes courage, it takes strength, it takes will power, all of which you have more of then you think. You aren’t given something that you can’t handle, I truly believe that.
-Note To Self
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